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Property, Real Estate, Financial Jargon Guide...

2008 Review: AGENT SPEAK:

Jargon busting guide - revised for the recession...


BROWSING ON the internet, I came across a very helpful guide to property and financial jargon which was thoughtfully provided by Sherry FitzGerald. I felt obliged, however, to write up a revised version, which might be more suited to today's virtually non-existent property market.

Approval in principle : valid for no longer than 14 days from date of issue.

Appreciation : no longer applicable to Irish property.

Arrears : the term most frequently used this year.

Asking price : well, you can always ask, but don't expect to receive.

Auction : an extraordinary event where people actually competed with each other in order to buy a property. No longer necessary.

Auctioneer/estate agent : a dying breed (from starvation).

Arrangement fee : another bank scam.

Best and final offer : that's all you're getting. Actually, no, cut that by €50,000.

Bidding : a reckless act.

Booking deposit : the money the developers had to hand back.

Bridging loan : once of Golden Gate proportions. Now, no longer obtainable.

Broker : a pre-historic profession, no longer in existence.

Budget : a pointless exercise.

Capital : no longer applicable.

Capital gains tax : a tax we would now be thrilled to have to pay.

Caveat emptor : bit bloody late for that warning.

Collateral : the banks have a lien on everything including the wife, kids and the mistress. What more do they want?

Closing date : whenever the purchaser wants, even if it's Christmas Day.

Conditions of sale/contract of sale : dust-covered documents stacked up on now redundant conveyancing solicitors desks.

Contract : to include whatever the purchaser wants including the vendor's soul.

Conveyancing : a once lucrative little earner for Irish solicitors. Alas, no longer.

Deeds : paperwork which shuffles between one bank and another. If it moves, you pay dearly for its transfer.

Deferred payment : now regarded as normal practice.

Endowment mortgage : don't even consider it for a second.

Equity : no longer applicable to Irish property.

Fixed rate : somehow it never seems to be fixed in the borrower's favour.

Fixtures and fittings : whatever the purchaser wants, including your bed.

Gazundering : the most popular activity of 2008.

Guarantor : even God himself would no longer be considered good enough.

Interest-only loan : no longer on the bank menu.

Investment property : bit of an oxymoron.

Loan offer : now so rare that if you are lucky enough to get one, you frame it and hang it over your mantelpiece (that's if you're lucky enough to have one to hang it over).

Loan-to-value ratio (LTV) : could more appropriately stand for Lean Times for Vendors. Not something anybody wants to think about, let alone discuss these days.

Money laundering : if only we had any, we'd wash it twice daily.

Mortgage protection : something no one ever thought they would ever need.

Offer : so rare these days that you think you must be hearing things.

Private treaty sale : otherwise known as a Purgatory Trial Suffering.

Redemption figure : every last cent you own.

Reserve price : those were the days when you had the confidence to set one.

Sale agreed : as good as winning the Lotto.

Stamp duty : the money which used to flow into the Government coffers.

Standard variable rate : the rate of interest banks set depending on their mood on the day.

Square footage/square metres : always more when you are selling and less when you are buying.

Tracker mortgage : always impossible for you to track - hence the number of confused people sitting on the top level of the bus in the TV commercial shouting, "we still don't know what a tracker mortgage is".

Under offer : the vendors' state of purgatory.

Valuations : no longer possible to attempt.

Variable rate : the bank's way of successfully keeping you in a state of complete and utter confusion.

Vendor : a person at the mercy of a purchaser (if they are lucky).

Viewing : a rare event that warrants a chauffeur service and a red carpet.

Withdrawn : no longer happens. These days you would sell at any price.

Yield : no longer applicable.


Report by Isabel Morton - Irish Times.

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